A Game of Chance

I gave it all I had and you took it.

My exposed nerves: presented, but without

Expectations. That was the hardest part.

Deep breath; inhale, release and lay out cards.

This moment was for me a small triumph;

The grand gesture of being who I am

And maintaining belief that I could live

Through one heartbeat and trust the next would come.

The cards fell where my instincts knew they would;

But I discovered that my mind had grown.

And clarity does not come from without,

But when I risk a step toward myself.

a small wish

In the midst of a pleasant conversation, it occurred to me that
Things were devolving into a battle of wits.
As a proponent of disarmament, I became quiet.
Stopping to listen, I was not ashamed.
My aim is not to impress, or even to be remarkable.
It is simply to be.
And to allow you to be who you are
In my presence.

Andy

Everything seems crude in comparison to you.

You don't require pageantry

Or

Tasteless sprays of flowers.

No color is quite right

And in your jeans and t-shirt,

You make the rest of us look vulgar.

Language is suddenly insufficient

Compared to your quiet dignity,

And words take on new meaning

As I discover that I'd never payed much attention before now.

Not enough attention, perhaps.

Understated,

Confident and secure in your identity,

You were placid and reassuring.

Nothing is the same without you.

Enough

Exhausted,

I made a choice to simply stop.

I was making things

Harder than they needed to be,

And it was

Time

to

Stop.

Now I just breathe in and

Listen.

I listen without thinking of

Anything

Except what is being said.

I exist

In the present moment and

Fully give

of

Myself.

Surprisingly,
this is not exhausting
at all.

It is enough, and

I am

Fulfilled.

The Camera Doesn't Lie

A picture from the past

So deceiving.

Smiling wide, no hint of doubt or confusion.

Looking back, there can be no regrets; she couldn't have known, and there was no warning.

Well, almost.

But to see this picture today

She smiles differently:

Smiles with perspective, with confidence gained in an interim

of hopelessness and uncertainty.

The picture today is much clearer.

Robin

My grief for you is twofold.
There is the part of me that lies awake at 4am
Unable to stop the thoughts that rush through my head.
Memories like unreliable narrators lead only to
that which is bleak.
Your life cut short.
So much energy, created only to be destroyed.
It was as if you simply burned out like a star:
too much, too quickly.
That kind of energy simply cannot last.
I see shadows of your face in the tree outside my window,
And I fear for your beautiful soul.
But then there is the sad smile
That quickly spreads over my face
When I remember how you laughed;
The sound of your voice, always with a smile buried somewhere in it.
That ninja suit you mail ordered when you were twelve,
Those stupid Hawaiian print shorts,
And your collection of Star Wars action figures.
Sometimes, we would drive around with the music up loud
Singing together,
And when I stopped paying attention, you would cut the volume off
So it would just be my voice.
It used to make me laugh. I still do;
But now I think you helped me to find my voice.
Watching you live with so much passion
Has inspired me to live more fully,
To be more like you. So full of life in my mind.
That is what I cannot reconcile.
Your name, your voice, everything about you
Is synonymous with life. Bursting at the
Seams,
Overflowing into more than I can hold.
When I lie awake at
4am
Thinking about how you lived more in 28 years than most people do in
80,
I am torn between grief and joy.
I wonder if you really existed,
Someone so kind,
Genuine and
Amazing.
I feel lucky to have known you
Even though it means lying awake at
4am.